I’m tiptoeing back, tentatively testing the blog waters for my dearest of friends.
There is much going on both inside and out, and I’m not sure which end is up right now. I do know that there is plenty of counseling happening, lots of mistakes being made, and general exhaustion nipping at my heels.
July arrived, marking the halfway point in this year of returning, bringing with it reflection about where I have been, where I am, and where I am heading. If I find clarity, I may elaborate further.
These days I am returning what it was like to be ten. That is my homework, the assignment from my counselor, following last week’s appointment. There is a ten-year-old who lives in my house and triggers me on several levels daily. I’m searching for clues as to why. Thinking about ten might help.
It’s interesting to me that the story of blessing I chose to write about happened when I was nine. The story of harm that I chose took place at ten. I didn’t spend time pondering what to select or plan it that way.
I was also ten when this happened.
Maybe ten was a big deal. I tried to think about it and make a list.
10 things I remember about ten.
- Registering at the new school and buying a PE uniform in the bookstore and wearing it because I thought it was cool to have a PE uniform. Trying to be kind to myself here, because what I really am thinking is what a total dork!
- Being fitted for the dreaded real school uniform at a uniform company and not being thrilled at all due to the blouse-y, plaid jumper-y, crossbow-ish nature of the entire thing. You have to click on the link and scroll down the post to find the darling blouse story.
- My meek teacher and unruly class. This caused a great deal of anxiety to me and brought out even more dorkiness as you will see in #5.
- Shaving my legs for the first time and wondering if my mom would notice. I can’t remember much other than coming downstairs afterwards to the family watching Dukes of Hazzard or A-Team. If there is more to this story, I would love to hear it!
- Setting up a schoolroom in my shared bedroom with meticulous attention to detail to show my 5th grade teacher when she and her husband came over to dinner. Seriously, who DOES that? I am not feeling very kind to my awkward 5th grade self right now.
- Getting baptized. Scripturally. By immersion. This is kind of a joke between my husband and me, because of all of the different styles of baptizing and dogmatic approaches to what is biblically correct. One circle we were in actually used those words when describing proper baptism. I was dunked when I was 10, I think. It was a big deal in front of a big church, and when I went through big seasons of traumatic doubt as to whether I was spiritually legit, I figured that was a pretty big confirmation. My kids were all sprinkled.
- My 5th grade BFF. If she reads this, she knows who she is. The bright spot in my days.
- Changing for PE in our classroom and not being at all shocked to learn from a more worldly-wise girl that the act of procreation is a simple as You put the hot dog in the bun. Fancy that. Years of diapering little sibbies caused this to make total sense to me. No big deal.
- Growing Up and Liking It. Did anyone else watch this video with their mom in the school library to learn all about periods? See #10 for the awkwardness that accompanied this awkwardness.
- Period Starter Kit. Ordered from the company who produced the above video, this boxed collection of feminine hygiene products hid in my dresser drawer awaiting their big debut.
Ok, I am itchy from the awkwardness, and since only 20 or 21 of you will actually see this, and you are all of the female variety, I will just publish and go scrounge some food for the family. They need to eat. Every day. Like three times or something!
*Bonus! If you remember me at ten and would like to share or clarify, please do so! It would be special and fun and maybe slightly or greatly traumatic and help me move more swiftly through this painful season of returning to my childhood.*