The longings are fierce.
We all have them. Those places that push us to unrest inside, taunting that all would be well…if only.
Friday morning, I left the house for work. It was Friday! I should have been happy and excited that the work week was almost over and the weekend was waiting.
I was struggling.
If only the house were picked up and organized, it would be so much better to return to in the evening. Why must it always be a chaotic mess? Why must I share my life with so many people?
If only I had done things differently. If only I could start over with a clean slate. Instead, longings.
My weekend would be better if my circumstances were different.
Meanwhile, elsewhere, someone longs for a relationship. For a husband. For a wife. For a child. For health. For a house. For a car. For food. For the very things I have in abundance.
The weekend comes, it goes.
I can’t have it ALL.
A child lies in bed tonight, sobbing herself to sleep. She longs to return to the weekend, the best one of her life, spent with adult siblings in their home. I am frustrated. Frustrated by the tears. By the sobs. Personalizing her longing to be somewhere else. Personalizing her feelings of let-down. Personalizing her grief.
Against every fiber of my being, I sit next to her stroking her hair, letting her sob. Affirming her desire for the sweetness of being with those she loves and who love her so much, I stay present.
It’s not personal. It’s not mine. Mine is to love. Even through the let-downs. Especially through the let-downs.
I heard about the letting-down this weekend. How I have let down. Hurt. Not been there.
I will let you down. If you are reading this right now, in whatever context you may have come across and be interested in my blog and my writing; as a lover, friend, child, sibling, co-worker, acquaintance, adversary, I will let you down.
This is a harsh reality that I struggle to own. I cannot be all to all. I am not the answer to life’s difficult questions or a solution to the world’s problems. I cannot fix or be everywhere or do everything that pops into my head that would be a good idea to do for those I love.
Realities like this make me want to run away and hide and forget everyone, but that is not the answer, either. The answer is to face the letting down honestly and to talk about they whys and hows and wherefores and to grow closer through the struggles and then to let go.
The letting go is a challenge. Trust me, I know. I ruminate too much. I allow perceived failures to eclipse any measure of success. I own what is not mine and make too much of what is not mine to make much of.
I am grateful.
At the close of this weekend, I am grateful for grace and for texts and for friends and for a husband and children who love through the mess. I’m grateful for those who love through the longings and let-downs and who help me let go.