Grabbing for an Umbrella

Good is not a word I would use to describe this.
The place where I am is hard.
And as someone who has felt life as a constant struggle rather than a joy, I am tired.
I know there is nothing I deserve

like easy

or pleasant

or joyful.

 I desire these things.

I wish I were a spiritual giant saying, Bring on the rain, but I’m weak and grabbing for an umbrella or an escape to somewhere sunny away from the storm.

When things are not easy, pleasant, or joyful, I wrestle with the whys.

I want to curse,
and fight,
and run away by myself.

I wish it were not so painfully difficult to stay present and engaged.

Where are you right now? Not physically, but where is your heart?
Maybe you are in a place of calm. Maybe a storm is brewing. Maybe you are in the midst of an all-out squall or in the eye of a hurricane.
I wrote this to reflect on how I respond to storms when others seem to be able to praise in the midst of them. That is my desire. To praise.
But honestly, truth be told, I find myself running for cover. Self-protecting. Longing to escape.

6 thoughts on “Grabbing for an Umbrella

Thanks for heart-composting with me! I appreciate your words.

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