I am supposed to be in the car right now with a friend headed north for a personal retreat.
Instead I am home in my pjs, sitting in the corner of my room, listening to the “playing” of children in the living room and the coughing of a husband in bed and wondering when the next sound of my 5 year old’s, “Mooooooooommmmmy! He’s (insert annoying thing a 10 year old might do with a 5 year old’s toys)….” will whine into my ear.
I’m disappointed today.
This is where I need to be.
My friend and I considered and prayed about our options and struggled through the decision not to go.
I agreed that she had the final say since she was the primary driver with the car.
It’s still hard.
And that’s one thing about choosing to feel and embrace and consider hopeful possibilities.
You will be let down and disappointed. Your heart will hurt and you will cry.
I burst into random tears at random times yesterday and didn’t know why. My heart just hurt, and I was struggling with so many perceived failures.
I don’t care well for the sick. I don’t engage well with my children. I don’t like to cook or clean or plan meals, and I REALLY struggle with keeping up the laundry. I’m not embracing ANY of this.
Yesterday was FULL of all of the things that I. do. not. like. or. do. well.
Yes, I know I can link to the words of others about how it’s not performance-based, not what we do. I could find grace-based quotes to print out. I could link to my own words somewhere from a better day when I was feeling hopeful and encouraging and my heart wasn’t a floundering mess splattered across and tangled up in the world-wide-web. But sometimes I just need to sit in it and let my heart be for awhile.
My daughter reminded me that I don’t have to get my word in a day.
I’m grateful for kind reminders. I know that, too.
But that’s where it is.
Day 2 of the year and instead of embracing the opportunity to explore new ways of getting un-stuck (which is what I thought I would be writing about), I am embracing the disappointment of changed plans. This also gives me the opportunity to embrace a day of wearing pjs and reading my book and writing and processing and feeling. I’m right where I need to be. Where are YOU today?