I’m asking God to shed some light on areas that need clarity.
That sounds so vague and nondescript, but it is where I am as I sit and write this post.
Feeling lost again, I wander through old journals, looking back to remember and engage with my story. I continue the theme of return.
I spent some time Friday night, reading to Steve parts of my heart that he did not know existed, even as he has walked alongside me day by day for 23 years. It was a huge risk.
Inappropriate laughter during the painful places only served to bring a pained expression to his face. Seriously. Some of it was hilariously pathetic!
What’s wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?
That’s really painful. I’m so sorry you felt that way/ were in that hard place. Don’t skip anything. I can tell when you are skimming ahead.
What do I do with that?
I read enough to feel heard and finished for the evening. Then we watched a movie with the kids, because that is our life right now. We get moments of deep engagement with each other put on hold to engage with kids.
That has always been our life together, save the moments of deep engagement and connection. Those are relatively new. I am grateful that they are becoming more frequent and real. That is hopeful.
There is always hope.
As I close, I leave you with a snippet I read to Steve. It comes from a gratefulness list that I was trying to keep in order to stay afloat. This list was from ’08, the summer that Little Mae was born.
Focus on it.
Because if you don’t, everything will slip away.
I am exhausted.
I am grateful to have found the source of the smell of urine in the laundry room. Grateful to have napped with Little Mae. Grateful to have gone for cheesecake with Steve. To have a chat with my neighbor.
Life is too short to stress about chores and toilet paper!
And yet I do it so well. Stress over chores and toilet paper! Still!
Life is too short for that.