This Sunday was an unexpected worship team week. My decision to attend community worship on Wednesday led to being asked if I was available, and I was.
Due to the unpredictability of August and the ending of stay-home summer days and transition into back to work and school, I didn’t schedule a Sunday this month. It worked out anyway.
Singing today felt like a gift. I always believe that God assembles just the right team for each Sunday, and this week was no exception. It was just what God ordained in his being worthy of worship just because and in spite of ourselves.
I have been in a hard place this summer. There was a Sunday a few weeks ago that was just rough. I sat through the singing scribbling away in my journal with tears streaming down my cheeks. What I was writing isn’t what you might think had you witnessed the moment.
Here is a glimpse into my heart that Sunday. It was not a heart of worship. It was one of cold stone.
These tears are not sad or repentant. They are angry and trapped and very stuck as we sit in a row in church as a messed-up, dysfunctional family. I am bumped into, banged, touched, annoyed. So as singing of depths of mercy goes on around me, my heart hardens further as I drift away from the very thing that is supposed to anchor me.
Have you really forgotten, Father? Because I remember every day my sins and shortcomings and pain. I am so very tired. I feel crushed. Very tired. Lost.
Poured out completely.
These are just motions that I am going through, and not very good ones at that. Please help my unbelief that you are with me. Show me that you are close.
You don’t always give us an easy path, but you give us exactly what we need. I hear the pastor pray these words and add them to the page.
What are you doing, God? I am uncomfortable and can’t feel my arms, yet, you are at work, and I need to let you just work it out.
Please work it out, Father.
God came close, reached down, and pulled me up from the mire. Not because of but because.
Because he loves me, he gives me exactly what I need. Even the very hard.
He met me in the very hard, breathed life into my heart, and nudged me onward.
This Sunday I was able to receive the gift of leading worship with the team, knowing that it was all about the one who is worthy and the freedom I have to embrace the gift that is music. I was able to lead with a heart of worship.
And it was glorious.
O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. Psalm 30:2