This month I have intentionally focused on glimpses of goodness in daily life.
So much is hard. So much feels as if I am staring at struggles day in and day out. So much eclipses those glimpses.
Today was one of great struggle, and while there were good parts, there were a lot of really difficult ones, including, but not limited to, where my heart is these days.
What comes out of you when you are squeezed? Pressured? In the midst of the struggle?
This, or a similar question, was asked by the pastor up front this morning. Namely, what comes out of you in response shows the state of your heart. This is not a good sign for me. I’m not feeling the love.
I am being shaken ~ not stirred ~ poured out over the rocks, and it’s not a pretty sight.
Just ask my kids. No, really. Ask them next time you see them how their mom responds when they are arguing over media or movie choices or whose chore is what or when they are whining over having to help when they just want to have FUN. Ask if she yells or gets angry easily. Then listen. Don’t dismiss. It’s true. There are a lot of tense angry words these days.
The struggle is real. It’s a fight to stay engaged. The triggers are fierce and relentless. Escape calls my name. Loudly.
I write this not to be a downer or ungrateful or lacking gratitude for all of the blessings in my life. I write to be real. To connect with those in cyberspace like I connected with in real life today who struggle and question and face overwhelm and just don’t know.
I don’t know, either.
I don’t know why we are gifted with such unwavering grace as to feel completely secure one moment only to feel the sensation of teetering on the edge of despair the next.
I don’t know how a heart can feel open and safe one moment only to feel frozen and closed the next.
I don’t know how one can trust that God is good and working His will in spite of foolish choices one moment and then feel overly responsible for every perceived wrong in the world the next.
I DO believe you are good, God. But I am struggling with how you are accomplishing your will in my life. There are so many obstacles. Always. There will always be obstacles. Thank you for another day of LIFE and HEALTH and FREEDOM on the journey. I AM grateful for what you are doing in my life. I just long to better SEE it.